


Don't Presume to Assume

by Tinksvamp



Category: Twilight
Genre: Ballsy & Snarky Bella, F/M, Flirty & lots & lots & lots of humour, Manipulative & Clueless Vampires
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-10-03
Updated: 2012-10-03
Packaged: 2017-11-15 14:14:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,980
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/528171
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tinksvamp/pseuds/Tinksvamp
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Twisted Twilight. Alice 'saw' it all, but so did some-one else & they weren't letting Bella go through that. They were also going to make sure she ended up with the right Vamp. This Bella has Balls and she is NOT afraid to show 'em.<br/>Humour, flirting and revenge...Bella's got it covered...with a <em>little</em> help. NOMINATED Best Bella/Best Humour in THE SUNFLOWER AWARDS 2011.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Didn't see that coming, did ya?

Chapter 1

Alice's POV

 

Anytime now she should be arriving! I can't believe that this day has finally arrived. I decided I could now let the rest of them know the next part of the vision that I had all those years ago.

"Listen and keep a look out for a truck, a truck that is red as that is what she is going to be arriving in. She won't notice us until lunch but I just really need to see _her_ in the flesh. Oh Edward! She is going to be perfect for you and as well as the rest of us, she will return to us the humanity that we have each lost over the years despite living the way we do"

This will also keep this particular future intact instead of the alternate one that is also a possibility.

I don't know all the details of that one except flashes and snippets. And what they show is me. Alone. I don't know where Jasper or the rest of them are but I am just lying there on my bed, to depressed to even shop.

Seriously! Me not wanting to shop!

Rosalie looks pissed.

I would have thought that with Thirty years to get used to the idea, she would have just let it go but no, she has her mate and so can't understand what its like to not have one…or face the possibility of losing the one you have.

"Alice I never have, and still don't agree with this. Bringing a human into our lives not only puts us at risk from the Volturi, but also at risk from ourselves. How difficult its going to be for us with her scent" Rosalie ranted "I know Carlisle has the strength but for the rest of us, having to be so close to her for long periods of time facing the Bloodlust, especially Jasper. It's not right and you know it…"

"Alice!" Edward interrupted "What was that last thought you just had? What's that about?"

Shit.

"It's nothing Edward; just an errant though brought on by my fear that certain people…" I glare at Rose. "…may try to change things for their own selfish ends"

"Whatever Alice" Rose snarled back "Will you be ok with this Jasper? How's your thirst?"

*~*~*

Jasper's POV

 

"I'm fine Rose" Fuck no, she didn't! I am sick of being seen as the weakest link here and being the back-up argument when any of them get into pissing competitions trying to score a point.

I noticed Edward's expression.

_"Yeah you can cringe at that Edward, if you don't like what you hear get outta my fuckin' head"_

"I hunted early this morning. For me, I could care less about it so long as she keeps the secret and is eventually turned"and maybe once this starts to play out, Alice will not be so focused on it and we can spend some quality time together, something that seems to have been in short supply recently. Damned if I can understand the whirlwind of emotions that she has been giving out lately and she sure as shit ain't talking to me about them no matter how much I ask. Fear and guilt seem to be the two most dominant ones. Emmett now! I could almost drown in those mischievous emotions the big guy is throwing out.

"Give over Rose baby, everyone just needs to chill" Emmett finally decided to add his two cents worth "Jasper dude your going to be fine, and the rest of you should have more faith in the guy. Personally I am looking forward to getting a new little sis' that I can rag on because you guys are not as much fun as a little bitty human. There is also the fact the Eddy boy is going to finally get some…man your cherry is going to go with such a bang after hundred plus years of waiting that the humans will think world war three has started"

*~*~*

Edward's POV

 

"Please Emmett do you mind?" I refuse to take any more of his garbage "I cannot believe that you say things like that. From Alice's visions Bella is a lady who is quite shy and clumsy and I will not have you making her feel more uncomfortable than she is bound to feel around us, especially at first"

I swear I will be pissed if he starts using my love as his own personal entertainment system. She is too delicate and precious to be subjected to his crass, and too often, boisterous sense of humour. God I can't wait to finally meet her. Her likes and dislikes seem to be akin to mine and her compliant nature means she will look to my lead in all things which is exactly how it should be. Her natural beauty shining through without the aid of makeup or the modern clothing trends that young women feel they need to wear to be attractive to men. I will treasure her and take care of her every need. She will want for nothing and when the time comes and we are married, I will worship her glorious body every day; making love slowly and beautifully, each of us being the first for the other, learning together the pleasure of our bodies.

"Hey Edward your kinda giving off emotions there that are not helping me here" Jasper laughed "I mean please! It's bad enough trying to block out these children's lustful vibes without you too adding to it. Plus I think standing there sporting a tent in your pants might give Jessica Stanley a false hope judging by the way she is drooling at you" he finally finished with a snort.

"Whoa there Eddy, I didn't actually realise that your dick was in working order" guffawed Emmett "Man, I can't wait to see what happens when she is with you if this happens at just the thought of her. She must be one hell of a hot lil' bit…fuck Rose, what did you do that for?"

"You start thinking of anyone but I, as hot and I'll do more than slap you upside the head. Your balls will be bluer than a smurfs before you get any loving"

"Aw Rosie" Emmett said in his best little boy voice "you know your more than enough woman for me. I don't need anyone else baby just you and no-one can compare to you with hotness…Listen! Here she comes. Jesus, what the hell is she riding in? It's louder than a 747 taking off…good tune playing though"

*~*~*

Alice POV

 

Huh! I didn't see any music being played when she arrives, wait…she is not supposed to have a system in her truck, as Em, Rose and Jazz buy her one for her birthday! What is happening here? This is not what I saw.

"Isn't that The Pussycat Dolls _'Buttons'_ playing?From what Alice and Edward have said I wouldn't have thought she'd play such _risqué_ music" snorted Rose.

"Yeah well, I hope she hurries and gets out because I want to see her" Emmett practically squealed "She's parked her truck back to us so, come on Bella give us a look…Ohh! Here her co…"  
*~*~*

Emmett POV

 

 _Holy shit on a stick. I am gonna have to spend the rest of my eternal life chasing away the little pricks who are gonna be sniffing around lil' bit like pups on a teat._

*~*~*

Rosalie POV

 

_Hum! Girls got game. No competition to me of course but pussy boy Ed is gonna be pissing his pants trying to handle that. Might be fun to have her around after all…sheesh, Edward is drooling like the little boy he is._

*~*~*

Alice POV

 

_Who is that? That is not the Bella I saw. What the hell is happening? How is this so totally different to my vision? Damn she has style…NO! I'm supposed to give her style._

*~*~*

Edward POV

 

 _Who? What? I...I, that's not what Alice saw. Oh my God she's hot…Where's my Bella, my lady? Jesus look at those legs…NO! Don't think of them in case of…shit, that's uncomfortable; I need to adjust myself without anyone noticing._  
*~*~*

Jasper POV

 

_Where did the ground go as I feel like I'm floating on air and the only thing that is grounding me is her. Mine…my mouth on her neck…my mark on her…covered in my scent…her eyes are looking at us, scanning over me and the rest of us…MINE! My girl, my baby is girl is speaking to me, to us_

*~*~*

Bella's POV

 

"What the fuck are you all looking at?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok guys there it is, my first chapter of my first fic soooo…
> 
> R & R please as I want to know how it is, both the good and bad but please, no flames cos that shit is not constructive…just mean. Also, just to warn you that the grammar probably sucks as no beta and no patience to thoroughly check this as too excited about posting it *kiss*


	2. All hail the Swan

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hearts and flowers to 'moore8879', who took a peek at this for me, made it worthy of posting and then sent it back. I'm always gonna fiddle with it after so anything that's wrong with is my own friggin' fault for not leaving well enough alone!
> 
> Disclaimer: Uh yeah! Forgot that on the last chapter soooo…The Uber-Talented Stephanie Meyer owns absolutely everything in the Twilight-e-verse. I just want to play with them and make them behave badly *smirks*

Chapter 2

Bella's POV

 

Phone is ringing.

Phone is still ringing.

Where the hell is the bloody phone?

Oh yeah! It's in the living room on top of the coffee table.

"Swan residence"

"Bella?"

"Yeah Cha…dad"

He makes it sound like a question, who else did he friggin' expect it to be?

"Yeah, err hey kid; I just wanted to wish you good luck...first day an' all. Sorry I didn't catch you this morning but well you know…" Charlie stammered out.

Yeah I know. I know he can't do this shit any more than I can. It's just one long list of the Swan traits we have in common. I'm a daddy's girl through and through.

It could have been worse though!

"No worries dad, I'll err, catch you later"

"Umm... well about that. Did you have any ideas for dinner tonight?" Charlie asked hesitantly.

"No plans. Why? You gonna take me out to dinner?"

"Oh, erm, yeah we can do that if you want but I was wondering if you... you know kind of minded making something, perhaps. If you didn't have any plans that is…" Charlie said with a hopeful tone.

Not only no, but a **Hell No!** I learned to shake my booty with the best of them, but I am not dancing to the beat of the domestic drum. I'll do my fair share but Cinder-fuckin'-Bella I ain't. This is not going to be a tradition in the making.

"Tell you what, we will order pizza for tonight and we'll see about coming to an arrangement later. Okay? I'm going to be busy with school, studying and possibly looking for a job."

Translation, going to be busy with boys, bitches and fuckin' with a certain family, but Charlie doesn't need to sweat the details, hee hee.

"Okay, kiddo no problem, we will tackle it later. Have a good day." Charlie said with genuine feeling.

"You too dad, take care."

"Always do."

He hung up the phone.

Shit! Now I feel bad.

I know Charlie cares but he's just so clueless.

How an' hell did my 'rents stay together long enough to have me or let alone have a crack at making it work, it defies my intelligence.

I can't blame Renee too much for being a piss poor mother. She tried, I'll give her that, but when I hit my teens the stupid moo decided that her "duty" was done and she couldn't hack it anymore and as they say, "That was fuckin' that."

Good thing, I didn't have to rely on her for the past 3 years. Good riddance.

Bollocks! Now I'm depressing myself.

Its all water under the bridge Swan, get over it.

Thank heavens for Sis. Without her I have no fuckin' clue what I'd be like now.

Okay, well actually I do.

Speaking of which, where's my phone?

 

**Texting:**

**Bad-ass Bella to Sexy Sis:**

 

_What do you do to a man with a high sperm count?_

**Sexy Sis to Bad-ass Bella:**

 

_Isn't it too fuckin' early for you to be sending dirty jokes? Ok, I'll play. What?_

 

**Bad-ass Bella to Sexy Sis:**

_Chew!_

 

**Sexy Sis to Bad-ass Bella:**

 

_Har-de-fuckin' har, har. Get your sweet lil' ass to school. Today's the day._

 

I wish she were here with me now.

Gah! Now I'm depressed, again!

**Bad-ass Bella to Sexy Sis:**

 

_I miss you_

 

**Sexy Sis to Bad-ass Bella:**

 

_Me too, Sweetie. Me too. I want all the fuckery details later, you hear *smooches* Now git!_

 

She's right. You need to put the big girl pants, Swanie.

So let's see. Hair: check. Big barrel bangs hanging halfway down my back that will probably last all of 10 fuckin' minutes in this damp crap.

Make-up: check. Smoky, take me to bed eyes and crimson gloss. I didn't even know it came in that colour. Where the hell did sis' buy this stuff?

Hmm... What to wear or not to wear; that is the question!

The "Wonder bra", is the best bloody invention ever. I worked my girls to perfection in my white tight tank and black sleeveless slouch top over it. Cut at that happy medium between sexy and slut.

The skirt was practically non-existent; it's exactly how a skirt should be worn. Sis drilled it into me everyday goddamn day. As long as you cover your ass, you're good. I put on tights because I don't want to be flashing my goodies to just any Tom, Dick or pervert…at least not intentionally.

Smirking to myself, I considered the crème de resistance to my outfit, the love of my life since I mastered the art of walking in 'em my black knee high boots complete with 3 inch heels with enough buckles to make any dominatrix drool. Oh yeah! If there is one thing I absolutely need to thank sis for is teaching me to walk, not strut, in fan-fuckin'-tastic, shit kicking, footwear. I own it.

I put on my leather full length trench coat and I grab a granola bar.

I'm outta here.

The drive through Forks is dull and depressing but mercifully short. At least I can play some tunes in my brand spanking new, top of the range stereo. It was a parting gift. Which happens to fit my truck…fuckin' figures.

I take the only turn off, of the only "main street".

There is a big ass sign announcing the tiny school.

Starting a new school already halfway through the school year, lucky fucky me.

It's "FFHS", Forks fuckin' High School, grand population of 756 students.

I did detention with more bleeding kids than that back in Phoenix.

Well here goes (nothing).

It's Showtime!

I climbed out of my truck, taking extra special effort to flash as much leg as I can get away with using the high step of my truck as an excuse, which is a pretty amazing amount, while making sure I don't flash my hootchie.

I know every fuckin' eye in the place will be on me, being the new girl in town. I glance around. Yep! I'm right. In fact, there's so much bug eye and drooling happening I have to resist the urge to check if the back of my skirt isn't tucked into my knickers or if one of my boobs hasn't gone AWOL from my bra.

Fuck it!

I glance down; skirt good and my tits are still tucked in.

I look up and there they are.

Five stock still statue's that aren't even trying to pretend to blend in.

Twats.

Well now let's see what we've got.

Wow! The rusty haired boy is sporting one hell of a boner. He's gonna have to spank that puppy or he's gonna baste his boxers.

The spiky haired little pixie next to him is wearing an interesting array of expressions kind of a confused, pained, dumbstruck look. It is very unattractive. It is funny though.

Holy shit on a stick!

That guy is a fuckin' freak of nature his thighs are bigger than my waist. Awww... he has a confused look that is sort of cute on him.

Now the blonde bitch there that is giving me the stink eye is my kind of bitch and I am all over that. Yup! Not gonna be bored with her around that's for sure.

An finally, yum – fuckin' – eeeee!

All hail the blonde god!

Those obsidian eyes are looking at me with so much intensity that half of me wants to run like the dickens and my other half wants to impale myself on his cock and ride him like a redneck rodeo.

Focus Swan, focus.

Not cool, not right and not gonna happen…yet.

I level them with the sexiest smirk and make my introduction to FFHS and the Cullen's.

"What the fuck are you all looking at?"

Oh yeah! Bella Swan has arrived and she is in the building.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Like it, love it, loathe it? You can tell me, I don't bite...hard!


	3. Multiple malfunctions?...better get used to it!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Disclaimer: Don't own. Never have, never will…you know the drill!**

Edwards POV

What an earth just happened and what an earth am I going to do about this...this?

Watching Bella walk away is not helping any, that ass, them legs...Ahh stop it!

Look away. Think! Think!

My piano in pieces...nope.

Jessica Stanley trying to flirt with me...

Oh thank you, it's starting to go down...

Miss Cole's fantasies about me bending her over the office

Wow! That shrank it so fast I want to check it didn't shrivel up and die! I cop a quick feel and am re-assured that's not the case.

I sigh with relief. I may not do alot with it but that isn't really the point is it?

Now I'm capable of coherent thought I check on the state of the rest of my family.

Yeah, there not doing so well.

Alice is holding her head, eyes closed chuntering "What did I miss? That's not our Bella" like a record stuck on repeat.

Emmett is wearing a vacant look and has a death grip on Rosalie's shoulder which he

is shaking gently to the beat of "wha? Wha? Wha?"

Rosalie is laughing.

She is practically bent double and I've no doubt she would be choking and have tears streaming down her face if it were possible.

Jasper's eyes are the colour of pitch and he looks so feral that if the students weren't so

busy gawking at Bella, they would be running, screaming and crying to the local

authorities.

We are the Cullen's. People talk about our family with reverence. Comment

on our social conduct. Whisper about our wealth.

Right now we look like we're waiting for the special bus and forgot to take our medication.

"For goodness sake pull yourselves together" I hiss to low and fast for anyone else to hear "remember where we are!"

Now I start to focus, their thoughts filter in as they slowly get a grip.

Alice's flip through memories of her visions of Bella and though I can see the resemblance to the Bella that just sashayed into the building; they don't really do her justice.

No! My penis is twitching again...down! down! Miss Cole, Miss Cole, Miss Cole.

I. AM. A. VAMPIRE!

My control should be better than this. It's never behaved like this before, maybe it's malfunctioning?

I'll have word with Carlisle later.

"I like her. Can we still keep her even though she's not exactly like pixie here envisioned?" Emmett asked, his thoughts already turning to the fun he could have with her.

Rosalie is still laughing.

Jasper's eyes are still black and his body tense. This is not good. I can't imagine the emotions he's been getting off us and it doesn't look like he's getting control of it.

"Em! Rose! grab Jasper" I snap as I quickly take his arm.

His thoughts are chaotic. An endless whirl of Bella...Bella's neck. Bella's skin. Bella's legs. One of Bella's legs up high and the other...Jesus! is that even humanly possible?

"I can only surmise that a combination of the shock we have all felt and the...err, lust some of us might have felt..." I barely hold in a whimper as my penis twitches at the memory "…may have overwhelmed him a little"

"A little! Are you serious?" Rosalie managed laughingly; though taking Jasper's other arm as she did so "This is classic! That's…"she indicated towards the school "…supposed to be the love of your life you've been waiting for. Your mate?"

She was barely holding on to losing it again.

"She'll eat you up and spit your Victorian- Lilly ass back out. Oh boy! I can't wait to see this…"

"Jasper needs to hunt" Alice finally joined in. "Rose, if you and Em will take him…I need to stay here…need to know…find out. I'm looking but I'm getting nothing…" she trailed off.

She walked over to Jasper and gave him a quick kiss. "I'll see you later baby. Go with them and I'll join you later, Kay?"

Obviously not expecting an answer she wandered off to, I presume, her class still muttering to herself.

"I'll stay too. I'll keep an eye on Alice and make your excuses for your absence"

I'll also see if I can fathom out the deal with this girl. She hasn't been here 5 minutes and already she's contradicted everything we thought we knew about her. Granted it wasn't too much as Alice mostly got snippets here and there but still, this is not the Bella Swan…type of girl…I expected.

"Sure bro, whatever. But I want details later, you feel me?" Emmett's hand replaced my hand on Jasper's arm, gently pulling him away towards the car.

Jasper's thoughts were still centred on Bella but he seemed to be in control of himself, allowing himself to be led. It's not worth taking the risk though. Strangely, his thoughts seemed to be totally about sexual lust; he couldn't detect any blood lust thoughts at all.

He wasn't sure how he felt about that and it's not like he couldn't identify with them.

"Come on Jasper, lets get you out of here" Rose was still chuckling as she, Emmett and Jasper left.

I made the decision to listen in on Bella's thoughts as I made my way to second period.

I had 'overheard' that moron Mike Newton saying that Bella was in Trigonometry next so I manoeuvred through many, many mindless thoughts trying to find Bella's.

What I didn't expect was the onslaught of thoughts about Bella…I am going to have to strap my penis to my thigh if this doesn't stop…but no Bella.

I finally found Jessica Stanley as she walked into class with Bella. Her mouth running a mile a minute yet didn't even come close to the contradictory, and really quite nasty, thoughts she was having about her. But from Bella? Nothing.

Huh! There seems to be a growing number of things malfunctioning today.

Vowing to figure it out later, I content myself with watching Bella through Jessica's eyes…

_Jessica takes her seat as Bella hands her slip to Mr Varner._

_"Ah Yes. Isabella Swan"_

_"'Bella' will do"_

_"Hm. Okay 'Bella', how about you introduce yourself to the class? Tell us a little about yourself?"_

_"Or…how about, not?"_

_"Oh come on Miss Swan, there's no need to be shy"_

_"It's got nothing to do with being shy Mr…Varner is it? I doubt there is anyone hear who doesn't know who I am"_

_"Oh, erm…"_

_"Seriously! Let's have a show of hands if you don't know who I am. See, told you. They all know and I'm sorry but I'm not gonna share private shi…stuff about myself because I don't want to"_

At this she sauntered down the aisle and dropped into the seat next to Jessica who, from her thoughts, was awestruck.

Mr Varner seemed unsure about what to do and about what had just happened.

Yeah well! Welcome to the club.

_"Perhaps you should start the class Mr Varner?"_

_"Perhaps you should join me for detention after school today Miss Swan?"_

_"No problem. I didn't have anything better to do anyway"_

She turned to look directly at Jessica, smirking.

_"Damn. That's a record even for me!"_

**Author's Note:**

> Ok guys there it is, my first chapter of my first fic soooo…
> 
> R & R please as I want to know how it is, both the good and bad but please, no flames cos that shit is not constructive…just mean. Also, just to warn you that the grammar probably sucks as no beta and no patience to thoroughly check this as too excited about posting it *kiss*


End file.
